5 things that do not belong in your anus

Ask any emergency room nurse, people love shoving random crap up their butts. From vegetables to live animals, the possibilities for insertion are only limited by the pliability of your anus. Just because the options are limitless doesn't mean you should go around sticking any random thing up there. So, today, I'm giving you a handy guide of five things you should never put in you rectum/anus, in no particular order.

#1 Live animals

Back in the 90's, there was an urban legend that Richard Gere had once shoved a gerbil in his butt. Like any sane person, Gere denied it. But there are still tons of people who think he sits in his mansion with a line of rodents parading over his prostate.

If Gere did what the legend should suggests he'd be dead. Animals have defenses like claws and teeth. Your intestines are tough but unless you're supernatural, they would not stand a chance against a panicked rodent clawing its way to freedom. Internal bleeding and sepsis are not a good look.

#2 Other people's sex toys

If you watched Barney as a kid, you know that sharing is caring; that’s especially true when comes to sex. I mean, share an orgasm, share a three-some, whatever. But don’t share sex toys for your butt.

Your GI-tract is crawling with tons of bacteria that help to keep you healthy but those bacteria should stay where they are. If they go anywhere else, it will probably cause problems. If they go inside anyone else, you’re just asking for trouble.

Oh, and I know that you can sanitize many toys but um… do you really want to take the risk?

#3 Glass

Back when internet video was becoming a thing, I came across this video of a naked man sitting on a glass mason jar. I'll save you from the gory details but just know that there was blood, lots of blood.

I don't want to scare you because there are some sex toys made out of glass, those are perfectly safe. Those are made from a special glass that is made for your butt; that glass won't shatter into a bunch of rectum piercing pieces that will have to manually dug out. But a beer bottle, shot glass or mason jar might and that is just not ok.

#4 Food

Yes, I know that the whole point of your gastrointestinal system is to process food but like most things, it has a defined start and end. You don't put feces in your mouth; don't put food in your butt.

The main concern here is food borne bacteria and viruses. Our mouth, esophagus and stomach can fight off most things that get in there but the rectum is a sitting duck. If you do decide to put food up there, please make sure to put a condom over it.

#5 Booze

A few years back, wine enemas were all the rage with teens; it was a cheap, quick and easy way to get wasted. Unfortunately, it was also a quick, cheap and easy way to land yourself in the hospital.

Since there's no stomach acid or food to block the booze, putting alcohol in your butt gives it a direct link to your blood stream. So, yes, you'll get drunk but you might also die. Plus, the alcohol burns, like really bad. Like, worse than the morning after a hot wing binge.

 

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