Last night, I said “fuck it,” to myself and “will you marry me, bear,” to my partner. That was a bold move, one I wanted to make for a long time, but held back out of fear. Since I’ve only recently started making these kinds of decisions, I wanted to take a moment to highlight some of them – big and small.
It’s my hope that chronicling this will help show you that how far we can go, if we learn to let go of fear. Sometimes, seeing the progress of others can help us decide we want it for ourselves.
Switching my depression/anxiety medications
I’ve been a long time silent sufferer of depression, anxiety and all the bullshit that comes with it. In 2013, I got my first med for this (Wellbutrin), but it never really evened me out – just gave me a little extra energy. After 2 years of mediocre success, I decided I’d enough and talked to my doctor. Now, I’m one month on a new med combo (Zoloft & Wellbutrin) and I feel as good as I ever have.
What I’ve gained – The ability to see a future for myself and gain perspective on my feeling and emotions. Stable erections, focus, contentment and a general sense that everything will be ok, even when things are going wrong.
What I’ve lost – Nothing, but the time it took to make the appointment, go and get the script filled. Since I already take daily meds, it’s not an inconvenience to take one more. Zoloft has also made it harder for me orgasm, but that’s always been difficult for me.
Ending my low-carb diet
Using Atkins, I lost 180lbs over two years. The following two years has seen me regain 100 of those pounds and have a harder time than ever losing it again. I’d been hesitant to switch things up because I didn’t know what would happen, then I said, “Fuck it,” and dove head first into eating like a normal American again; it’s been amazing.
What I’ve gained – More regular bowel movements, blissful late night munchies sessions with actual junk food. Also, the extra money I save by not having to buy meat all the time.
What I’ve lost – The guilt of cheating on my diet and, oddly, like 7 lbs. So, yeah.
Quitting my second job
Originally, I really enjoyed working in the kitchen of a local café, but it soured after about a month and I was soon ready to quit. Still, I stuck around for a few more weeks, until I said, “Fuck it,” and quit via text message. This was the event that kicked off my active work in realigning my life with what make me happy.
What I’ve gained – Time, freedom and reassurance that I can speak up for what’s best for me to authority figures without anything bad happening.
What I’ve lost – Some income, but I only made $9 and worked about 12 hours/week. I’m still making my bills.
I’ve had this idea for a local culture and lifestyle blog for over a year; I even bought a URL almost exactly a year ago before abandoning the idea. Then, I found inspiration for the name, said, “Fuck it,” and decided to risk building something brand new for the first time in 5 years.
What I’ve gained – Optimism and confidence in myself. A reminder that I’m capable of doing cool things that I make for myself.
What I’ve lost – The $12.99 it cost to buy this domain and the $10 it cost for the site plus whatever time it took to put it all together.
Proposing to my partner
I’ve wanted to put a ring on it for a while, but I’d held back because I wanted to be sure – whatever that means. Last night, though, while balls deep in his anus, I said “fuck it,” proposed and now I’m engaged to be wed.
What I’ve gained – A fiancé with good credit, stellar sex game, and a desire to serve me who loves me dearly and challenges me to be a better person. Also, tax benefits.
What I’ve lost – Nothing yet. I’m sure I’ll lose some money for the celebration, but wedding gifts should even that out.
Announcing my engagement on Facebook
I tend to shy away from being public about anything where I’m unsure if I made the right decision; I’m scared people will call me out or make fun of me if I didn’t. Then, I decided to say, “fuck it,” and just tell everyone.
What I’ve gained – The knowledge that I can stand by decisions I’m unsure about, even if people might make fun.
What I’ve lost – I can feel my fear of rejection reducing with every step I take in the right direction.
Using my blender without its top
I really like milkshakes, but couldn’t find the top to my blender this morning. So, I said, “fuck it,” and used the top to the ice cream container.
What I’ve gained – A delicious vanilla milkshake.
What I’ve lost – Nothing.
Looking at these bold decisions written out, with their pros and cons identified, it makes me wonder how I could have been so fearful in the first place. From just these few choices, I’ve started correcting the course of my life and that’s a big fucking deal.
Instead of living my life at the whim of my fear, I’m holding my sail steady and doing what it takes to put myself where I want to be. That’s amazing and I got that strength by losing a few dollars and pounds. Since those dollars went to an investment in my future and those pounds I’ve been trying to get rid of, I’d argue that I’ve lost nothing at all.
I thought the world would collapse if I stood up for myself and, now I see, I’ve lost nothing. So, if you’re struggling with something similar, maybe you should ask yourself, “what’ve I really got to lose?”