My guy and I have some really satisfying sex — the best sex I’ve had in my life, really. It wasn’t always like that, though. In fact, we’ve had to work at making sure our sex is great for both of us.
Of all the things we’ve tried, asking a single question has made the most difference: How was that sex, though?
We started asking this in a joking way to compliment the other on what we thought was a great session. Somewhere a couple months into our relationship, we’d had morning sex so good we fell back asleep for 7 hours. Once we woke up again around 5 in the afternoon, still semi-blissed out, Bubby asked me, “But how good was that sex, though?”
From then on, it became a sort of go-to compliment, a slap on the ass to say, “Good job on that whole sex thing. I appreciate how jelly-like you’ve made my legs.” Eventually, though, we had some not-so-great sex, and the question became something else.
Because we asked that question so much, when I felt like the booty game wasn’t up to snuff, I had an easy way to say so. Back then, we still were getting comfortable with communicating openly all the time. So if we hadn’t practiced saying it, I might have gotten anxious and put it off indefinitely.
Luckily I didn’t, and that problem got solved quickly. In fact, every sexual issue we’ve had since has been handled or worked on. The end result: that sex I was telling you about at the beginning.
Asking, “How was that (insert awesome, lewd and/or possibly illegal sex act) for you,” has led to many other unintended effects, like better blow jobs, multiple orgasms per session and, most recently, some outdoor sex on the first warm day of the year.
It also helped us become better communicators and build a challenging, relaxed, mutually beneficial relationship.
Knowing your partner will give you an honest, helpful assessment if you ask for their opinion is a powerful experience. It starts to make you feel like you can ask for their feelings on other important things, like new potential partners, pizza toppings, work products, etc. It’s also helped us deal with small problems efficiently, which made us able to deal with the big problems when they started to come.
At the core of the question is an acknowledgement that we care about the other’s satisfaction in the relationship and life. It says that we want to make sure each experience we have together is as awesome as possible.
It also reinforces desirable behaviors in way that makes us both think it was our idea. That alone makes for less bitching at each other, leaving us more time to enjoy life — i.e. fucking a lot and enjoying some stellar green between periods of work. For me, that’s pretty much a fairy tale.