Disposable poly threesome unicorn has had enough of your shit

*This blog was written by a coaching client of mine. We’re using writing as an outlet for his feelings. He asked me to publish them to help other people. If you have any advice that could help him, or have a similar experience to share, please leave it in the comments below. 

– Keep it sexy,

Jerome

It's not a difficult notion for me to grasp. It's how 99 percent of people function — on some level in our lives — whether we admit it or not. The only difference between the average person and someone who acknowledges their inherent capacity to love more than a single individual are the self-defined “polyamorous” and “pansexual.”

Everyone, except perhaps the most isolated or abused, will love more than a single person in their life, whether it's family members, partners or whomever.

But after 9+ months on one dating site and a few weeks on a new one, I've become baffled by the number of people actively searching for a “third” — also known as a unicorn — within the poly and kink communities.

I don't begrudge them the right to expand their happiness; I’ve been in open relationships before. I just feel it's time I had some of my own. I feel I'm deserving of the right to be a “primary partner,” as it were. Unfortunately, the women who have an interest in me want me as a third.

My life as a third was hard work. Ensuring my former Domme's needs were met, sexually and throughout her life at large, took a toll, and even more so after I was demoted to “less important that her affair and the guys she was cheating on me with.” And she didn't have the courtesy to mention that while the service she expected hadn't changed, my rewards of her time and energy had very much changed for the worse.

Now that I'm single, I don't see it as unreasonable to hope I'll meet a woman I share common passions with, who challenges me in debate and with whom I might one day discover a mutual love has formed. I've discovered some of those passions revolve around me being more dominant, and that leads to part of my problem: I have no interest in pissing in another dog’s yard.

As crude as it sounds, it's the truth. I have no desire to be an adjunct to the happiness of someone else's primary relationship, to be contented with the scraps of affection that remain. I don't want to be "the other guy" any more.

I want to be a source of happiness, companionship, love, laughter and all those silly/nauseating things everyone assumes comes with a relationship. I want a partner for myself that I don't have to share, with whom I don't have to worry I might accidentally cross the boundaries of one (or more) of her other partners. I want MY boundaries to be part of the essential framework of a relationship.

I know — it's greedy and self-centered to expect I might claim some portion of a woman's capacity to love. I'm just a regular schlub working construction, so I'm frequently gone. On the upside, the pay is good and the schedule gives me enough off days to make up for lost time.

How've your experiences as a unicorn been?

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