I'm engaged to an alcoholic

Like, alcoholism is at the core of why he is currently in the state that he is in.

Hi, I'm Jerome resident sexpert and creator of LTASEX.com

Welcome to let's talk about sex

The show where we talk about sex

And today… I'm giving you an update

On the ultimatum I gave my partner

It's looking pretty ok

 

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So, in my last video

Or my last video in this series talking about my partner and my personal life

I gave my partner 7 days to get his shit together or get the fuck out of my life and…

He's still in my life

7 days has passed

 

I don't want to make it seem like everything is hunky dory

Because he's still fucking crazy

He has border line personality disorder, anxiety, depression, he's antisocial

Not antisocial as in he has some kind of person disorder to that effect

he's antisocial because he wasn't socialized properly

So like a dog that isn't socialized properly early on

you can't really have them around other dogs

Or you can't him them around humans other than their humans

Unlike dogs he can be trained

 

I also don't want to understate that this is a case of abuse

Towards me

It's important for me to say that because

I'm a 6 ft. tall black guy and my partner is a 5 9 white guy

I've got maybe 200lbs on him

On top of that, I'm stronger and faster and…

You would think that would put me in a dominant position

In fact, not only am I bigger but I'm also his Dom

In sex and in our life, I am the one in control of this relationship

Well, not in control of this relationship

More in control of our day to day activities

I take the lead, I guide…

I fuck him into the pillow

I do Dom-ish things, it's fun!

 He's a submissive and the gentles ones are supposed to be the ones who aren't mean

Well, hurt people hurt people

He was beaten into submission

And he's found joy being there but the beating left scars

I still don't have any intentions on breaking up with him

Unless things spiral back down

So let me tell you a bit about what happened over the 7 days

The story of the 7 days goes like this…

He was out of the house and came back maybe 2 days later

We'd talked at a local café and we got to the idea that he doesn't think he has any control over the situation

That was the first problem

He would just keep letting shit happen over and over

I've kept telling "not only do you have control but you're making it bad"

"How do you possibly not have control"

"If the situation is bad at your fault, you can make it good"

"You are in control"

We had to get past that and get into figuring out what the actual problem is
What is he troubled with

I'm more than happy to help him solve his problem

But I have to know

I have to have a reason why I'm being screamed at

Why I'm being talked to all kind of ways

Why I'm being physically attacked

It turned out that he is an alcoholic

 

I didn't know

I knew that he drank

I used to drink

I'm not an alcoholic but I just stopped drinking because I don't like alcohol that much

But looking back now I can see multiple times where he's had a problem stopping

And where once we stop for too long he gets agitated

He'll say stuff like "man I could really use a drink"

But I have no experience other than him with addicts

So I didn't think anything of it

To me that was just oh we're young and in college eventually he'll stop

He's only 22, that’s another thing

I'm 28 and stop drinking just because I decided to

He's been drinking since he was 16, I started when I was 21

So we've been drinking about the same amount of time

He just got a major head start on me

We probably started drinking the same year

Which is funny because I'm old, blegh!
 

He was drinking to forget

He was drinking to ignore and escape

He had a very trying childhood

His mother was also an alcoholic

And abusive

And rageful

And white

And horrible

And racist…

And, and, and

So, it's understandable that being in that world

And also dealing with all these emotional problems

Never feeling like he's being listened to

Always feeling like he was the only
Then in high school he was even homeschooled

He has a lot of problems and I knew that when I started dating him

I accepted that this sort of like progress towards stability would be a part of our relationship

Because, yes, I believe people when they show me who they are

He showed me who he was before all this

He's a good person, he is

I see that he wants to do good

That is ultimately why he 7 days

Beneath all the worry, all the shame, self-hatred, PTSD crap

That's a lot of what makes him so scare and so violent

With his BPD he's reliving traumas from his childhood, even when he's here with me

He often lives in the past reliving traumas over and over again

He feels like it's actually happening

Since I'm hear with him when he's terrified I just become part of the narrative

When you're drinking all the time you can round everybody up to being about the same

You can forget

You can run away every single time things get hard

But now he has to learn, which is going to be difficult

At the end of the 7 days, he was in AA

After just a couple meetings he knew that was where he needs to be to start

 

He comes from a white religious household

Although AA isn't religious it's structured in a way that gives you a higher power

It gives yousomething to focus on

It gives you rules for living life and he needs that

He never actually got any healthy rules for living life

I know the 12 steps aren't perfect

But for someone who's only had somebody telling to do horrible shit

Then someone else telling him to do good shit without ever writing it down on paper

And having others prove that it could help

That latter person being me

Neither one of those are great

And what I offered him alone couldn't substitute for that structure he needs

 

Not only could that but it couldn't substitute for the fact that I'm not white

I'm not a white gay

I'm not a white gay from a religious Midwestern household

I don't know his experience

I know his story
I know how that helps or hurts or affects him

But I don't know anything about what that feels like

And he needs people…

Well…

I have to take that back

I do know what that feels like

To be in a religious household to be around those people

Their tactics are different

And they fuck you up in different ways

White people's tactics fuck you up in different ways from the ones my family used

It's tough to make good connections in the world after experiencing these things

So he had to find people who look like him and felt like him

He had to find gay alcoholics

And he had to listen to their stories

I kept telling him he wasn't special

That his problems were normal for people like him

But he didn't believe me because he had no frame of reference

It's refreshing to know that we figured this out

At least figured out the core of the problem and that was the alcoholism

Why wasn't he progressing? Alcoholism.

Why was everything so goddamn difficult for him? Alcoholism.

Why was he worse when he stopped drinking? Alcoholism.

Shakes? Alcoholism.

Like, alcolism is at the core of why he is currently in this state

We've been together for over two years

It'll be 3 years in February

In that time, I've done what I needed to do

I've shown and reinforced that I love him

I've given him patience and guidance and love

Still, nothing can substitute for having somebody

Hear and understand intrinsically

That you exist and your specific existence is valid

I know that his existence is valid and I understand it

(audible eye roll)

But I don't understand it

I don't sound like him, I don't talk like him

I don't use the right vocabulary

I speak a different language because I come from a different household

I'm also a bit more educated

I'm a writer

I use different words, I have different understandings of things

He needs to be with people, who know and speak and talk like him

Part of the reason he didn't get that is because he'd been scare of other white people

Because they look like the people who hurt him he's only known white people really

And he's mostly known them to be evil

So, in a rebound, he's always gone towards people of color because they seem kinder

While he's right

He has to understand that he can't love anyone else until he starts to love himself

By loving himself, he has to love people who look like him

Loving people who look like him is difficult because he hates himself

He hates seeing in other people things he think aren't perfect

Or he thinks don't fit the white ideal

 

He's coming around and he's growing

And I have to say

After 37-40 days of AA

He did do 30 meetings in 30 days

He got a sponsor

I believe he's on his 3rd step now

He's really going for this in a way I haven't seen him go for things in the past

In fact that's been a chronic problem with him

That he's keeps picking things up and setting them down

Probably because he's been so distracted by wanting to drink

Now that he can focus on not drinking

It's surprising how much energy he has

I'm optimistic because he's shown me who he is before the amnesia

If you're wondering about that

Go to LTASEX.com and search amnesia to find out all about that

Before the amnesia, before the seizure, before…

All of it he showed me that he was a person who was ultimately kind but in pain

After that seizure the kindness was lost under the weight and pressure

Of all the things he was having to deal with

Then also being an alcoholic and not know he was an alcoholic on top of that

Amnesia means he forgot he was alcoholic

I don't want to make it seem like things have been perfect

He's still prickly

But over the last couple of days at least

He's been himself

That's been very nice to see, the man I love start to become a man that he loves

I love Bubby dearly and I don’t like to see him hurting

But in this situation, he was the one who had do the work

He was going to have to ultimately make that push to get there

I've been telling him that for a while

But he's been so scared

I understand but I can't like that

I've kept pushing and

He's getting there

He's actually getting there

 

A couple days ago he decided he was going to take responsibility for his care

Because he was so sick of the drama

It was drama the he caused

He's understand that it was his fault and that he can stop it

I can see him trying to stop it

That doesn't mean I'm going to take my foot off his neck because fuck that

But it does mean that I can continue to hold out hope that

One day he might come to love himself

I think he deserves that

And I deserve not to live with an asshole crazy person

And loving himself will accomplish that too

 

Alright, That's about it for me today

Thank you so much for your time

As always if you want to talk about these issues jerome@ltasex.info

You can get me on FB twitter, Instagram, all that shit @notjeromestuart

You can get me at LTASEX.com

Get The Butters at LTASEX.com/TheButters

You can also go to JeromeStaurtNichols.com/shop because I sell things now

Yay

Anyway, this is my 3rd video in a row, maybe 4th or 5th

So I'm energetically exhausted

So, I'm going to stop talking now

Thank you so much for watching

That's about for me today

Thank you so much for your time

I'm Jerome creator of LTASEX.info, I think

No, I know who I am

I'm Jerome creator of LTASEX.info

You've been watching Let's Talk About Sex

Thank you so much for your time

Love you all

And as always

Keep it sexy

 

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