For me, it’s evergreen advice to add more foreplay to lackluster sex. Unfortunately, like a lot of sexperts, I don’t always take my own advice. So when I was having problems staying in the moment with my new boy toy, foreplay didn’t immediately come to mind – but it definitely should have.
Throughout my 26 years, I’ve had quite a number of sexual partners. Even still, the types of sex I’ve enjoyed are limited. In fact, until my boy came around my sex life mainly consisted of penis – shaped objects being inserted into my willing orifices. I wasn’t complaining.
Now that I’m regularly sharing my bed with one guy who enjoys the same things – and some I never considered – I’m finding myself trying a bunch of new things. I’m also having to answer important questions, like how the hell do I retrain my dick to stay ass-pleasingly erect long enough to please my boy?
For the most part, my dick hasn’t been the star of my partnered sex for the last 14 years. Sure – with my right hand only – I know exactly how to get myself off. In every other situation, I have no idea how to make my dick work. Even having someone else in the room makes the dynamic between me and my dick change.
Topping my boy’s butt compounds that problem with the fact that the last time my penis was in someone else’s butt, Hillary Clinton was FLOTUS. In that time, we’ve had a recession, the first biracial POTUS, Lady Gaga’s performance at the 2011 MTV VMAs and I’ve carved Grand Canyon-esque groove into my sex drive.
On top of all that, I also have a terrible attention span. Even when I’m masturbating, I will quickly go from being in it, hard as a rock and damn near coming to pondering the ever-expansive universe and nearly flaccid. When I’m alone and right-handing my cock, I can control that pretty well. When I’m inside someone else, it’s a bit more difficult.
When I first encountered these problems, I did what I normally do: stress the hell out. My anxiety was through the roof, which made my dick soft, which made me stress out more. Eventually, I stopped spiraling out and started troubleshooting.
First, I tried to make the sex more like my masturbation by adding porn. I found that distracting and it made me self-conscious. Next, I tried a cock ring. Normally cock rings make my cock look chubbier, angry and vascular. Yet each time, my penis managed to go and stay 100 percent, crawl-in-my-body flaccid. Finally, we tried a female condom, which was great and helped for a while but didn’t solve the problem.
Although I’d only tried a few solutions in a handful of attempts, the whole ordeal was really stressing me out, so we took a break.
Eventually, the anxiety lessened and I was able to think clearly. I thought about what I do when I’m alone and how I get myself off. I realized that besides my dick being accustomed to my hand, my brain and body had become accustomed to rather extended foreplay.
When I’m alone and horny, my dick may become erect but my brain will still be thinking about pop music. To inspire my brain, I usually fantasize, tease myself physically or watch porn. It’s a rather long process to get revved up but I do it automatically. So, up until then, I’d always considered myself perpetually good to go. Now, I’ve realized that, like most people, I actually can’t just go from hello to diamond dick in four seconds.
The next time we played around, I took the lead and put off insertion until I was good and riled up. When we finally got around to the intercourse part, I was definitely good to go. That night I managed to successfully give my boy over an hour of slightly awkward but rather pleasurable butt fucking. Afterward, he was glassy-eyed and out of breath. Success.
After all that stressing about my limp dick, it felt great to perform for him. It also felt great to break through the mental fog and anxiousness. Most surprisingly, though, it felt absolutely stellar to top a guy for the first time since the Spice Girls had a No. 1 hit. It’s amazing what foreplay and and a little patience can accomplish.