After 10 years of abusive doms, did I miss my chance to be a father?

*This blog was written by a coaching client of mine. We’re using writing as an outlet for his feelings. He asked me to publish them to help other people. If you have any advice that could help him, or have a similar experience to share, please leave it in the comments below. 

– Keep it sexy,

Jerome

I know I'm not the only person who craves the opportunity to completely sexually drain themselves on a bone-deep level that becomes an ongoing distraction. A level of subliminal arousal and pent-up energy that's like the itch of an opioid under the skin and a passion that inflames the psyche. Something that no amount of self-service can truly satisfy.

It's not even that I couldn't enjoy some random sex, but I know it's not enough to just physically relieve that pressure. What makes the desire so primal for me is the struggle to find the outlet that will truly satiate me.

I finally have some grasp of what I'm after, but it's always so tantalizingly beyond my grasp. To paraphrase the shipwrecked sailor dying of thirst: "Water, water everywhere ... and nary a drop for me."

I wish that didn't sound passive-aggressive and whiny. I swear.

Still, I say it because I've had some amazing discussions with people about what I'm looking for in a long-term relationship. Even just examining and expressing those personal desires has shown me how difficult finding even a "pretty good match" can be.

I've put a year into dating sites. Recently, I finally got the gumption to post an ad on Alberta Personals, a local dating personals site. I've had friends attempt to match me with people they thought I would connect with, and I've even tried going back out to nightclubs.

The easy stuff is finding a woman with the same kinks, where there seems to be mutual appeal intellectually, physically and emotionally. The people that could completely satisfy the dynamics that I find myself drawn to are clearly out there, and I've even started to meet those people. Some of these people are amazing — and yet I'm hesitant.

I know what's driving that hesitancy, and it's not something that should be an issue. I have an ABSURDLY intense desire to be a strong, positive male role model to children, whether they happen to be biologically mine or hers from a previous relationship.

I want to be a parent before I potentially become a grandparent. And I would like to do so before my athletic youth and 17+ years of industrial labour take too much of a toll on my body to permit the active parenting I believe is so essential. But it's a stumbling block, and potentially a deal-breaker for some of the people that should be incredible matches for me.

The reason this is important to me is because I accepted the impossibility of having children while collared by my former Domme for almost nine years. She had mobility and pain-management issues that severely impacted the likelihood of fertilization, let alone successful implantation and gestation.

To be totally fair, her husband probably should have had priority where becoming a parent with her was concerned.

Unfortunately, while she denied me the chance to have a child, she also engaged in a calculated campaign to dissuade me from considering parenthood through any kind of outside relationship. Looking back, I can see that it was an expression of her narcissistic tendencies; she didn't want to risk anything that could potentially take my focus away from her. Even though I repeatedly demonstrated my commitment to her needs.

Being told "You'd make a terrible parent!" for almost nine years kind of sucks, but what really sucked is that my commitment to her wasn't reciprocal; I was investing large amounts of time, energy, money and emotion into my service to her (as can and should be expected), but she wasn't exercising those investments to the benefit of myself or the relationship.

I’d always thought cheating in an open relationship was basically impossible. Then she did — with multiple men — for the majority of our relationship, while many of our friends sat silent knowing her betrayal.

Our rules were simple:

Play safe.
All outside partners must be pre-negotiated.
Each negotiation is good for a single play-session or roll in the hay.
Each outside partner must receive direct confirmation from the other partner.

I didn’t think the rules were that hard to follow. Even still, I walked in on my long-term D/s partner getting railed by the guy she’d been fucking for four years. A week before, I was having a hospital room discussion about a serious musculoskeletal injury being a potentially complete impediment to returning to a comfortable level of sex and play?

That's a lot of words to really just say I feel like I was robbed. I feel that my decision to not pursue fatherhood and family was a decision I was pressed to accept without all the relevant facts. I believe that she misrepresented what I meant to her, what our relationship was and the importance of my commitment to the collar she placed on me.

I do understand that there are women out there with kids (and without) that are potentially perfect partners. I know that it's asinine to think I've completely missed my opportunity to be a good role model and parent. That doesn't make it easier to handle. It just means I understand the silliness of it all.

Am I crazy?

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