It pains me to admit it, but until very recently I was dealing with a rather unfulfilling sex life. Although I’d tried to troubleshoot the problem, I was never able to figure it out. After starting a relationship, I was forced to figure out what I needed to be sexually satisfied: deep, throbbing, open, honest and judgment-free communication.
In the beginning, I learned about/experimented with sex the way most people do: fucking their friends. At that point, I was just so excited to be naked, everything was fun. I wasn’t thinking about doing it “right,” I was more concerned with enjoying the experience.
In those moments we talked a little, but not about the important things — we didn’t have to. I had no idea what STDs were. I hadn’t yet learned to worry about my body and performance. I also hadn’t learned about the possibilities for sexual expression and found myself only trying the things my more adventurous friends suggested.
While I enjoyed the sex I had with my friends, there always were urges to do or try or say something. Before I could act on them though, I’d feel a rush of (what I now know to be) anxiety. Instead of fighting through the anxiety, I usually decided not to express.
I figured I’d simply forget what it was once I wasn’t horny anymore, anyway.
I got really good at using logic to trick myself into avoiding the anxiety. If I just stopped thinking about what scared me, no one would notice my conservative bedroom behavior was a mask for the fact that I had no fucking clue what I wanted or was doing.
Although I was scared every time, I still was pretty prolific in other people’s bedrooms. That made me very good in bed, which made up for the fact that I refused to do anything more than I’d always done, even when I started fucking people outside my friend group.
I didn’t know those new people, which made the anxiety worse. Not knowing my body or what I liked didn’t help. I also still didn’t know how to communicate or process what I was feeling. It all made sex rather unpleasant, and it just remained that way.
I was so good at avoiding new experiences that I managed to go almost 20 years doing basically the same two sexual acts with no variation. At 26, though, I got into my first major romantic relationship, and things were forced to change.
Going in, my technical knowledge said communication and flexibility are the keys to staying together. So, I put on my big boy pants and told the truth about my feelings because it was good for my relationship. I also helped him explore his sexual interests, though I maintained that I was mostly vanilla; I’d started to believe that.
The practice of being honest helped me get over the anxiety and find a truth I’d been avoiding: I didn’t really know anything about sex, other than what I read in books and the little I’d tried. I didn’t know what I wanted/liked or how to express that I wasn’t as wise as I appeared.
My partner understood. More importantly, though, I began to understand myself.
Since I’d already been helping him explore his interests, I’d been experimenting with him. So, I decided to just lean into the uncertainty to see if my horizons were wider than I thought, and they were.
When I finally was able to communicate what I wanted to someone else, my anxiety disappeared. I felt more willing to try new things, and in just a few months, I’d discovered an entirely new side of myself.
Most importantly, though, I realized that open, honest communication and the freedom that it provides — more than anything else — is what I need to make my dick hard.
While I found much of my early sex to be less than satisfying, the sex I’m having these days is the complete opposite. Opening the lines of communication has allowed me to let my erotic imagination flow. It’s allowed me to start having great sex for the first time in my life — and I definitely plan on making up for lost time.
Have you ever had a similar problem?
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