Black, anxious and confused



I've known for a long time that I'm an anxious person.

I'm particular.

 I get stressed out sometimes.

I'm going to quit talking now.

See, that's one of those things about anxiety...

I'll stop talking midway through a sentence because I'm worried that I'm not making sense, rambling.

No matter how many videos I make or how much I talk in public.

All that matters is, right now, I'm feeling insecure about my ability to form sentences.

Saying that made my heart race. Yay :l

So, as I was saying.

Wait, what was I saying?

Now I'm going to have a friggin' heart attack because I can't remember what I was saying.

Goddamn it.

Anxiety is crazy.

If you think it's crazy to watch, it's even crazier to experience.

Especially when you don't exactly know what you're feeling.

Although I've long know I'm extra anxious...

I thought I was a chill person in general…

Then I was freaking out about something insignificant and I thought...

Oh, shit... I'm fuckin' up.

I'm not justified.

Down falls my giant ego.

I'd developed it as a defense.

I didn't feel like I had people who supported me…

So, I had to believe in myself.

Sure, I usually proved myself right, but...

Somewhere along the way, it got out of control.

Now I'm finding that yeah, I am an anxious person.

A typical day for me is...

Everything starts off swell!

Then there’s a never ending waterfall of insanity.

Sometimes I'd calm down, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I freak out so much, I end up in bed for the day.

Normally, I just get stoned and try to deal with the day.

That might be part of the problem.

But am I really going to stop that?

Nah, son.

I'm rambling, but that's cause I'm in a weird place with this.

I'm really fucking scared.

I'm scared all the time but this is different.

I don't know what I'm doing.

... What I will do

... What I'm capable of

... If I'll succeed

I don't know if it'll be as "easy" as working on my depression

But... I've gotta try.

Anxiety is what kept me off YouTube for two years.

It's getting in the way of living my life.

Fuck that noise.

I work too hard for contentment to be foiled by this bull.

To get this far and hit another brick wall...

It's infuriating.

But, I can only be mad at myself.

It's maddening.

And I'm at a loss.

I've got no plan.

But, I've got to.

I'm at the beginning again.

This time, I'm fighting Godzilla.

AKA being in my head, being closed off, lack of focus, etc.

I'm trying to get my shit together.

But right now, I'm self-medicating with drama, which is unhealthy.

Although I do get a sense of peace from helping my partner with his BPD.

I'm already taking Wellbutrin for depression.

It's probably time for a switch.

Please talk to me.

I'm feeling lost.

Like I'm trying to build a space shuttle or something.

It's a really big undertaking.

But that might just be my anxiety

If you've got any advice for a brotha, I'd really appreciate it.

Normally, I'm giving the advice, but, shit, we're all human.



I guess that's it.

Thanks for watching.



Thanks for being here after 2 years.

Luv ya

Y'all bitches are awesome for that.

Srsly, TY and as always...

Keep it sexy.

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