How to save your gadgets from bodily fluids

Saving your body fluid soaked gadget is easy. 

Saving your body fluid soaked gadget is easy. 

When done well, masturbation can get messy. Sure, there’s towels and wet wipes to clean off your belly and a washing machine for your sheets. But what do you do when there’s a bit of friendly fire on your nearby laptop, tablet or smartphone that helped you reach your toe-curling orgasm? For those delicate and expensive gadgets, you’ll have to use a more delicate touch.

Getting cum – or other bodily fluids – on your electronics is a big freakin’ deal. Although body fluids are pretty harmless most of the time, they can have a homicidal impact on your electronics.

In most cases, the cause of death will be a short-circuit. Once the water and conductive ingredients in your fluids get inside your electronics, it can touch the power supply and mess up the flow of electricity. So, your main objective is to make sure your body juices – also lube – never get inside your machine.

If you know you spray like a water hose, the smart move is to put a towel over your laptop’s keyboard or Ziploc your smartphone/tablet. If you didn’t think to do that before you squirted jizz all over, having a towel nearby might still help.

Because semen – and some lube – is thick and sort of gelatinous, it often won’t leak directly into a keyboard or crevice. This means you can simply wipe up with a towel. If it’s a bodily fluid other than cum, you’ll need to act fast.

Next to mucus, semen is probably the thickest bodily fluid. Other bodily fluids like blood and vaginal secretions aren’t water-thin but they’re just thin enough to move fast and get deep into your electronics before you can react. When you get thinner body fluids – or lube – on your device, follow these steps:

1.      If there’s a lot of fluid, you’ll want to start by getting that off the device. You’ll probably handle this automatically when you grab for it.

2.      Turn off the device, usually by holding down the power button. This step is very important. If you can remove the battery quickly, do that instead.

3.      Remove any remaining fluid with a towel and cotton swabs. Try to get as much of the fluid out as you can. Sometimes, inhaling with your mouth over one of the ports or holes on the machine will draw out more fluid. #JustSayin’

4.      Next you need to ensure that the device gets fully dry. My best suggestion is to throw it in a bag of rice overnight (it draws out the water) and hope for the best. If you don’t have rice – I don’t understand how that would happen – you can use a fan and a towel.

Once you think it’s dry, turn it on. Hopefully, you will have saved the day. If you see any crusty remnants from your unfortunate misfire, use a cotton swab dipped in rubbing alcohol to clean it away. This works to get dried cum – or other things – out of your keyboard.

Your laptop is a tad bit more complex than your phone and may need some extra attention. Remember these tips:

Remove the battery and power cord; the last thing you need is a power surge.

Use canned air to dry crevices and holes.

If you’re brave, you can take a screwdriver and open the casing to make sure it’s all dry.

Make sure to press the towel into the keyboard to get more of the fluid out.

If the device doesn’t work, it may just need more time. Go back and make sure you got out as much water as possible. Open up everything you can, without breaking it. Once you’ve gotten out any remaining water, put it back in the rice for another day and cross your fingers.

If – after all your hard work – the device still won’t work, just make sure to clean the thing off before you send it in for repair. I don’t think your warranty will cover that.

Until next time, keep it sexy!

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