Fifty Shades of Grey - A drunken review

This should be interesting.

This should be interesting.

Confession time: I’m writing this drunk as fuck. I’ve had more shots of tequila than I should in five minutes and will take another one every 30 minutes until I’m done or asleep.

What can I say about “50 Shades of Grey?” Well… I’ll be honest, I didn’t hate it. In fact, I kind of liked it. I mean, there’s so… just so much wrong with it. But overall it’s a pretty decent novel. I’m thinking of reading “50 Shades Darker” and “50 Shades Freed.”

At this point in the game, you’re probably already familiar with this mediocre EL James penned “Twilight” fanfiction turned worldwide best-selling BDSM “erotica” and all it failings. Instead of adding to hordes of critics complaining about the boring sex scenes, kiddie time BDSM play, cheesy writing and severe case Mary Sue syndrome, I’ve decided give my thoughts on specific pages that I bookmarked during my reading.

Being that I’ve taken two more shots since I wrote the above words, this should be interesting.

  • Page 1 – This chick writes like a Canadian 8th grader. Unfortunately, I don’t think most American 8th graders could write this well.
  • Page 48 – This bitch is dumb. Who the fuck steps into the street because some dude won’t kiss them. Who the fuck does this emo ass chick think she is?
  • Page 55 – Ugh…
  • Page 66 – “Phlegmatic,” good word. Someone got a thesaurus.
  • Page 101 – How the fuck do you not run screaming when some dude you barely know is giving you a room in his house. The ish mad creepy.
  • Page 116 – “Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free.” -_-
  • Page 136 – Why does he keep calling her “baby?”
  • Page 162 – Rude ass bitch.
  • Page 178 – I hate dumb hoes talks about tech but don’t know shit. There is not a single fucking Apple laptop with 32GB of RAM. Who the fuck are you trying to kid?
  • Page 186 – “I am plagued by one question – why is he like this?” -_-
  • Page 232 – If he doesn’t want more, he doesn’t want you. This bitch.
  • Page 262 – Just take the fucking car!
  • Page 268 – “Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastacia.” *rolls eyes* Kill yourself, please. Jump of a bridge.
  • Page 284 – Christian: You’re sad, I’m going to fuck you happy. Anna: Good idea.
  • Page 326 – Do NOT use cable ties, it will rip your fucking skin off. He’s an idiot.
  • Page 334 – Prickling scalp, get Head n’ Shoulders.
  • Page 336 – He cums like a little bitch.
  • Page 374 – “We aim to please.” Are you fuckign seriousl
  • Page 420 – Lol
  • Page 430 – “Oh, baby, will I ever get enough og you?” Stop.
  • Page 480 – Say he “found his release” on more time, bitch. I fucks dares you!
  • Page 484 – You sound REALLY desperate.
  • Page 512 – Did you or did you not ask for it?
  • Page 528 - How is she just gonna leave me hanging like that? You just gonna leave? For real. Fuck! Now I'mma have to read the next one. This shit is like True Blood. It's bullshit for the whole season then the draw you in at the last fucking moment. This is some ol' BULL!!!!
  • Also, it’s a vagina and he has an orgasm. Grow up.

Aside from these complaints, “50 Shades of Grey” is a great romance novel. Even though it frequently pissed me off, I was able to read, absorb and enjoy it. I know it’s not a rousing recommendation but it didn’t rouse me. On the other hand, it was charming and made me smile several times.

Thanks to Eden Fantasys for the review copy. I don’t know that I would have paid for it.

Bee tee dubs, that would be 12 shots. I think I’m going to die. *hiccup*

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