My First Crush Is Crushing

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When I was in high school, I had several journals that I wrote in religiously. Tonight, I need one more than ever. I guess it’s a good thing that I have you guys.

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster,

In the past week three flames I thought extinguished have come roaring back into my life. The first I  thought would end up being my boyfriend. Another could never be my boyfriend, but we have fun practicing. The third, he has always made me feel… something. Not a bad kind of something, but just something that I can’t put my finger on.

When we talk on the phone, I get a tingling sensation all over my body. When he touches me, I get hot flashes. When he’s not around, I mourn. I think most people describe that bubbly, existential experience “puppy love.” However, I don’t know if I would classify it in that term.

I’m not in love with him, but sometimes when I think about how he makes me feel, I become someone else. I become someone who is blindly optimistic, frolicious, rambunctious and, if only for that moment, I finally understand all those sappy love songs.

I have lived 23 productive and informative years, yet when he is around, or just running around my mind, I can’t seem to find to find my feet. My knees get weak and I literally lose my sense of self.

I couldn’t put my finger on it before, but I think I can now identify this horrible and wonderful feeling… I think I have a crush. I’m 23 and I have my first crush. Ugh, how bohemian.

I am jovial and elated; I want to sing from the mountaintops. Yet, I don’t think I have ever been more terrified in my entire life. I am so scared.

I’m so happy that I feel like I’m combusting from the inside. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to dance. I want to do all that but here I sit in my fortress of (mostly) solitude, staring at the ceiling in a state that many would describe as catatonic.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I don’t have the vocabulary or emotional understanding to express what’s happening inside my head.

What is happening to me?

How do people handle this tsunami of emotions that are so irrational but feel so damn good? Suddenly, all those impulsive teenagers I went to high school with seem like rational, functioning members of society.

This is a good thing.

I think.

Yeah, it’s a good thing.

Maybe.

Probably.

I don’t know anymore.

I wish I could stop smiling, my face is starting to hurt. Plus, I need to go to bed. Why is he still texting me? He better not stop texting me.

I wonder what he’s thinking about, I wonder if he misses me. I wonder why he hasn’t texted me back yet. Did I say something stupid? Please, let him think I’m smart. I don’t feel very smart right now. What does it matter? He’s not very smart, but he is cute…

Oh god is he cute. I love his little dimples. Oh, and that skin… Mmmmm…

What time is it? Oh god why am I still awake? What if he texts while I’m sleeping? I don’t want to miss his text and make him think I’m not interested. I hope he’s interested. I hope he’s as interested as I am.

Oh no, what if we break up… I think I would die.

Seriously, die? What the fuck is wrong with me? I need to go to sleep.

I’ll just turn my ringer up to max so it will wake me up. I can wait for a few more minutes, right? Yeah like 20 more.

Holy jebus just go to bed! If he is going to text, he’s going to text. Staying up and fretting about it won’t make it any better. Goodnight!

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