How to ask your partner for what you want, 3 easy steps!

I’m unsatisfied in my sex life. I feel like my partner is being selfish, we only ever do and try the things he wants. I have things that I want to try to but he downplays them. This has been going on for most of our relationship and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to dump him but I need to have my needs met.

- He About To Lose Me

Well the first thing you do is dump the motherfucker. The second thing is to find someone who isn’t a manipulative, selfish asshole. Set your boundaries from the beginning and make sure that your wants and desires don’t get minimized for his selfishness. However, you did mention that you don’t want to dump him so I will try to help you with that.

For your romantic quandary, I present… 


Before we get into the 3 steps, you should take a moment to consider what it is that you are asking for. When it come to simple things like light BDSM, foot play, role play, leather, latex, costumes or any other Lover's Lane fetish I think it is ok to expect some level of accomadtation. However if you're into scat, heavy BDSM, blood play, fisting, or any other more extreme/less safe activities you may need to have your needs met elsewhere, but it never hurts to ask.

Step 1:

Whenever you find yourself not getting something you want in a relationship, It’s important to get things back on track swiftly. The longer you let things go the worse they will get. You don’t have to jump all over your partner for being selfish but you should make him/her aware of areas for improvement.

All you need to do is go to your partner and tell him/her what you want that you’re not getting. Make sure you use good communication skills, use ‘I’ statements, don’t blame, let them know this is about you not them, etc.

Your statement should look something like:

“Sweetie I would really like it if you (verb) my (noun). I like the way we have sex now but, this would really help me enjoy the sex we have more.”


“I want you to (verb) your (noun) on my (noun) and in my (noun). I find it really sexy!”

Most people enjoy pleasing their partners but simply don’t know how. If you give them a handbook, they will probably respond very well. This works better if you talk right before sex so that they can implement their learned lessons and help them to learn hands (or other appendages) on. However, if your need is something that takes time to learn, don't expect perfect performace on the first try.

Step 2:

Not all partners are going to be eager to change their habits, out of either laziness or selfishness. If you find that you partner did not respond to step 1 then you need to take things up a notch.

This time you talk to them again but you have to drive home the point that you will not be sexually satisfied unless they do what you ask.

You should say:

“I am not being satisfied with the sex that we are having. I need (adverb) (verb) and my (noun) (verb).”


“Do you remember how I asked you to (verb) my (noun)? Well I still don’t feel that I am getting enough. If I don’t get enough ______ then I will not be satisfied.”

Using firmer and harsher language should drive home the fact that they need to step up their sex game immediately. However, if your partner does not do what you asked automatically, you will need to do some coaching. Tell him/her in the moment “(verb) my (noun).” Tell them how hard, how fast and every little detail of how to please you. If what you want is something you can do to yourself, show them exactly what to do. A visual aide has never hurt in a classroom and it won’t hurt in the bedroom. Their inaction may simply be due to not knowing exactly what to do and when. It is your job to give them all that information.

Step 3:

If your partner has not yet responded to your soft direction or firm coaching, they may only respond once you give them an ultimatum. People this stubborn are usually just selfish assholes, but sometimes even the nice ones can be so clueless that end up in asshole territory. This is the point where you need to tell your partner that they must do whatever it is that you need of them or (consequence). The (consequence) can be anything from no sex to the end of your relationship. If what you need/want is a big deal, you may want to consider moving on and finding someone who satisfies your needs.


I have told you that I need _________ to be sexually satisfied. If you do not give me _________ then __________.

You want to make sure that you are willing and able to stand by whatever consequences you set. If you break your own rules, how can you expect your partner to follow them?

If you follow these steps, it’s really hard to make a mistake. Just make sure that you are patient and are communicating as clearly as possible. It’s all about communication.

Five years, more than 700 blogs, 50 videos, 40 podcasts, 3 events, 2 ebooks and 1 directory - LTASEX is a self-funded labor of love. If you get value out of LTASEX, consider tossing a couple bucks this way. Your donations help ease the burden on my slender pockets and allow me to spend more time working on new content for you.

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