“Because of my Christianity, I’m waiting until marriage for sex. I recently got out of a 2 year relationship where he wanted more, sexually, than I was willing to give. In that relationship we had done a lot more than I thought I would before I got married, but I wanted to keep him happy and I will admit I liked it… a lot. We did stuff like oral and mutual masturbation mostly, once we tried anal but that was in the heat of the moment. Anyway… My question is, do you think that it’s possible to date successfully while waiting for marriage to have sex. I don’t think that I will doing any of what I did with my ex with anyone else. Do all guys just want sex?”
Oh jeebus… ok. Before I start, I should just say that I don’t really like the idea of virginity. I have a ton of issues that I am not going to lay out here. However, as with all educated decisions I stand behind you and yours 100%. Now to answer your question, yes you can date successfully while keeping your virginity. I would actually argue that you in particular are no longer a virgin, but again your decision.
In your situation one thing you need to be aware of is that you are in a very minute subculture of people who decide not to have sex before marriage. There are tons of people who don’t have sex or are on some level abstinent, but very few make it a big part of who they are and even fewer engage in any type of dating at all, for fear they may do something they aren’t comfortable with. This being true you have to understand that you are very limited when it comes to partners.
Since you are so limited, where do you find guys who are waiting? My best answer for you is church. Since the basis of this whole subculture is a part of some religious thing, you are much more likely to either find people who are like you or can accept your choices. Church has a huge social network of young eligible men who are looking for a young girl like you. Just know that the guy you find may not be a virgin, so if that bothers you be wary. When choosing a partner you have to let them know upfront what you will and will not do, and you cannot waver from your stance or else you may continue to more things you are not comfortable with.
Once you finally find a guy who meets your needs you need to make sure to keep boundaries. There really shouldn’t be any type of overt sexuality. I find that sexual desire is best coerced into calmness by going cold turkey. That means oral, making out, snogging, accidental anal, hand jobs, fingering, etc are all off bounds permanently. Of course, if you feel like you can handle a bit more closeness… then go for it. However, keep in mind that you have already messed up once and got into a situation you didn’t want to be in.
I’ve asked quite a few people and one thing that kept coming up is the idea of keeping your mind clear of lusty thoughts. One person even mentioned that you should try singing “Jesus Loves Me”, anytime you have lusty thoughts. I would figure that it is difficult to stay focused on a hot guy if you have church songs floating around your skull, so that may be helpful.
Dating with this type of restriction can prove to be very difficult, so it may do you some good to have a spiritual advisor who could help you out. Someone you could talk to about your thoughts about sex, relationships, etc. I am not of any religion but I know that it is common for pastors, priests, rabbis, nuns, and the like to offer counseling and help. Most of these people have been around the block and were not always abstinent and/or celibate before they devoted their life to their respective god. Use these people as a resource.
I got in touch with a friend of mine, Reverend Kevin, and asked him for a little insight to help you. What he said was that you should read 1st Thessalonians Chapter 4 Versus 1-5 for some insight. He made sure to say that no matter what you do you should not compromise your morals for anyone. If you are serious about keeping your virginity, “It’s going to be tough. She’s going to have to say no to some people that she doesn’t want to say no to. Just keep yourself prayed up and keep moving forward.”
I hope this helps you. I know remaining chaste can be very hard, but I do admire you for doing that you feel is best for you.
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