The first time I ever hit on a guy I was young, maybe 13 or 14. I don't remember much of the encounter itself, but I know that I'd met him at a rec center near my house and totally thought he was dreamy. He was into me, and we hit off. From there we dated on and off for about four years. Unfortunately this is where my successful approaches come to an abrupt and unfortunate end.
Every guy I have approached in the ensuing decade, from then until today, has politely declined my advances. I have heard a shit ton of excuses ranging from, "You're just not my type" (I can respect that), and "We should just be friends" (Fuck no.) to "Um, no" (Rude!), and "I don't think I'm your type." (Are fucking retarded! I hit on you, plus I don't even have a "type" you dumb ass.) None of them helped the sting. It never got easier to take, nor did it get easier to put myself out there.
As recently as two weeks ago I was rejected by "I don't think I'm your type," who was a friend I hoped to make into a boyfriend. Obviously that was a disaster. To be quite honest, in this situation I was more offended by the lame ass reason than the actual rejection.
At this point in my emo extravaganza I really should add that I have been hit on, successfully. Not really sure how to word that one. I get hit on - not very often anymore - but it happens. I usually give the person the time of day, unless I find them so ugly it's repellent. This isn't out of some karma bull but instead out of sheer willingness to give anyone a try. I find that even the marginally attractive can be upgraded greatly by a good personality or intelligence.
All of this rejection has made me as bitter as orange rind. I try not to let the bitterness affect me but there are times. Sometimes, I'll be listening to someone complain about their relationship problems or see a couple together in a loving caress and want to throw a brick at them. As of yet, I have not (that you know of) done so. Somehow, I have been able to avoid many of the normal pitfalls that the chronically rejected oft fall into. I really credit that accomplishment to my mom's constant reassurance of my worth as a child, but that's for another, more Freudian post.
I openly recognize the things about me that make me so prone to rejection. Because I am in a honest mood (ie drunk), I am going to lay them out here for your reading pleasure. My personality is abrasive and at the same time wholly insecure. My body, I'm fat. The way I dress, I have never been and never will be trendy. I'm shy and standoffish. All of that is topped off with chronic depression. Admittedly, I'm a mess but that's me.
You probably read that and are now thinking to yourself, "OMG WTF GTG, It's not me it's you. I simply have a allergy to crazy people." Yeah... me too. But let me be clear, I do not lay all my crazy out in the first meeting. Like many of you I have become adepth at hiding my crazy. Maybe I'm not as good as I think...
At this point in my story the only thing I have left to say is... Hi, my name is Jerome. Would you like to go out some time?
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