Masturbation, self expression, and why you can pry my orgasm from my cold dead hands

I’ve been masturbating for as long as I remember. Even when I was having sex as much liked, there was something that just appeals to me about masturbating. It’s free, always there, always makes me feel happy and it can be anything I want it to be at any time.  

As you can tell I have a very loving relationship with masturbation. It’s because of this that I feel so sad that masturbation gets such a bad reputation. I have heard of people being told that it will make you go blind. That just touching yourself will make your fingers rot. One guy even told me that his mother once told him that spilling his seed would kill his puppy.

I don’t know what’s wrong with these people. I’ve been jerking it forever and none of my pets have died, my fingers are quite dexterous and though I wear glasses I am far from blind. In fact the only time anything bad has come from masturbating was the time I accidentally got semen in my eye. Even then I learned that when things are shooting a high velocity I should make sure to aim away from my face. So in an attempt to help masturbation get some good PR I thought I might share with you my masturbation story.

My memories from most of my childhood are hazy at best, but some of my clearest memories from that time are ones of me masturbating. As an adult it’s strange to think of 5 year old me tugging away at my still undeveloped penis having a jolly old time. Of course at that point I was not yet orgasmic so the motive of my tugging was merely why the hell not. It was a dangly thing on my body that felt tingly to touch and other than Power Rangers and X-Men it was my favorite action figure ever.

Until I was about 9 my masturbatory life stayed that way. After 9 I began having erections for the first time and well that just opened up a hold new world. Not only was it tingly, stretchy and really warm but now it grew! It was amazing, kind of like when you discover your favorite gadget has a feature that you never knew was there. I think I would say that I was intrigued the first time I got an erection. That fits well since, as with most oddities in life, I find myself uncontrollably curious.

At this point I was still not masturbating for any particular purpose. By this time I already had a pretty good idea of what I was doing. I can remember sometimes asking my mother very strange questions about sex and my body and her answering as calmly as she would if I asked her for a glass of milk.

By the time I was 12 or 13 I was ready to have my first orgasm. This was the year 2000. We’d just seen the explosion of Napster in 1999 and this year many now forgotten P2P networks had popped up to fill the gap Napster would soon be leaving. These new programs would offer the most amazing of all that was amazing… internet porn. Having finally seen what an orgasm was supposed to look like I felt comfortable and began trying will my penis to do the same thing.

I would go for hours, at this time I was in middle school so neglecting homework for masturbation was my job. I would lay around watching Toonami in the afternoons after school and fruitlessly work on my carpal tunnel. Until one day when I felt something new, there was this pressure that felt like I had to pee. I stopped; concerned that I may in fact urinate all over the sheets my mother would have to wash. I had to make a decision and being a 13 year old on the cusp of his first orgasm I though what the hell. I probably should have listened to my first thought because I was soon drenched in my own urine. That was the day I learned how to do laundry.

Then there was one day where on my second or third hour of my Vaseline depleting adventure when my penis began to leak some sort of white fluid. I thought to myself, “OMG!” (I was a big fan of AOL chat rooms then.) So I just kept going and sure enough I found myself having my mind-blowing and kind of painful first orgasm. I really do wish that there was a book or someone to tell me about that uncontrollable yelp that I let out when it happened.

I don’t think I have ever had an orgasm quite like that one ever again… even though it wasn’t the best I’ve ever had. From that point on I would no longer spend hours endlessly beating off. I would fruitfully beat off for hours spilling untold gallons of semen from then until, well now.

Along the way there were all types of changes in the way I masturbated. I had been Jergen’s best customer until one day in high school when I jerked it dry for the first time. I was in the planetarium sitting behind this guy who never ceased to give me a steel shaming hard-on. Since there were no bathroom passes, I took my chances and I spent the rest of the semester with a daily nut ever 5th period. I used condoms for a bit but found that to be far too expensive, though much cleaner.

For the longest time I would ball up an couple of shirts and stuff them in my underwear to put pressure on my balls… until I found out a gentle tug would give me the same sensation without the risk of getting cum all over my new school clothes. One night after I’d finished and didn’t clean up and passed out my mother walked into my room. That was one awkward conversation that I made sure never happened.

Writing this has been an interesting experience. Even though I know I have a positive relationship with my penis and masturbation, I never really thought about why. It’s comforting to wax poetic about something I look at so fondly. So that makes me wonder, what’s your masturbation story?

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