How to make your relationship less annoying on Facebook

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Hey, how are you? That’s good. Come on in, I think we need to have a talk.

 I’ve known you for about a year now, right? We see each other all the time around town. So I think it falls to me to have this conversation with you, because I don’t think anyone else will. Now, I don’t want you to freak out, but I feel like you may be going just a bit overboard.

I understand that Facebook is awesome. I love the website, even though they keep changing stuff. I love using Facebook to share the things I find around the web with my friends, who will enjoy them too. However, every time I log on to drop a link for my friends, I see you. Either you’re breaking up with your boyfriend, or you’re truly, madly, deeply in love with him. . . it’s exhausting.

It’s not a problem that you share your relationship status with your friends, because we're here for you. However, your digital bi-polar mania is scary. No one knows if we should give you a hug, congratulations, or help you burn his effigy.

Just like with me, and my absurd love of all things kitschy, I don’t expect you to stop; but I think we can work out some guidelines that will make it less likely that I show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night wearing my OJ gloves.

First off, you have got to stop with the, “Oooh baby I love you, I miss you, there will never be another, we gonna get married” status updates. Let’s be honest, you’ve been dating this person for what, 24 days? You don’t even know his middle name yet, and you’re talking about getting married? No. Why don’t you just CC all 16 of the boyfriends you’ve had this year and save us all some time. If you have a great night with your bookie then feel free to share, otherwise your status is nothing more than show-boating. If you want to tell your sweetie pie how much you love him and how much he means to you, try a text message. Better yet, you’re already on Facebook, send him an IM or a private message.

Secondly, your relationship status is not to be changed on a whim. If you are in a relationship then it should say, “. . . is in a relationship”, until you’re not. Last week, you went from being, “in a relationship”, to being, “single”, seven times, it’s a bit much. When your relationship status changes more often than your socks, you have a problem. If you keep crying wolf, nobody is going to listen when you actually need them. If you want to let everyone know that you are having relationship problems, then type it in your status. Or, you know what. . . you could always just use this brand new invention called the tele-mothafuckin’-phone!

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Thirdly, flaming your ex is not cool. You were just in love with him five updates ago. There is no reason to go spreading his business to all of your friends. Also, it’s just not cool. When you break up with someone you owe them the same level of privacy that you did when you dated them. They shared with you many things that they would never share with anyone they weren’t intimate with, and you did too. Unless you want him spreading your secrets then just keep your mouth closed.

Finally, just know that as your friends we care about you. We want to know whom you’re dating and that it’s going well. However, you have to let us know in small bits and pieces. Also, our Facebook wall is already polluted with posts from people we don’t really know; we don’t need your added saturation as well.

Now that we have had this talk, I feel better. How do you feel? Good. Seriously though, if I go home and see you’ve changed nothing. . . you may need to watch your back.

Alright, well I have class in like 15 so I need to get going. Have a good one.

[Image via Wired]

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