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Today, I got a message from some dude on some hookup app asking me for some dick. He said he was “tryna see how dominate you really are.” I scoffed.
See, there’s this thing with some submissives where they’re on the search for a true Dom — whatever the fuck that means. When they come to me with this bullshit, they’re usually looking for a big black cock to pound them into the bed while they offer nothing in return.
Apparently, to some submissives, being a Dom means we’re here for the single purpose of satisfying their sexual fantasies.
I asked this bossy bottom how he was judging my dominance, but he never replied. I guess asking questions that’re off script from whatever fantasy he had in his head meant my dominance wasn’t deemed to be true. Thank god.
Now I can’t speak for every top, Dom/me, Mr/s, Daddy/Mommy and Sir/Ma’am, but my dominance isn’t a performance. I am dominant because I am. I definitely wasn’t born this way.
I am black. I am built like a wall of man. I do have a cock and I do, in fact, love filling up greedy subs’ various orifices with said cock. Yet, under no circumstances am I the stoic, distant, alpha, pipe-laying machine of your dreams. I am, however, a goddamn Dominant snowflake.
See, the thing is, Dominants are humans. You know, real people who exist in the real world of ever-increasing variety. While we all tend to share certain traits, there’s no single measure of what makes a true Dominant.
Just because one ideal of Dominance is promoted in popular kink culture doesn’t make it the only or even one of the correct ways to be dominant for you. So, to help all the confused subs and Dom/mes alike, I wanted to present a few of the criteria I use to determine if a person’s dominance is true:
1. Their dominance comes from a place of authenticity.
2. They know their Dom style is best for them but may not be for everyone.
3. The way they present themselves and their subs is dictated by what they feel is best.
4. They take their role as seriously as it needs to be taken for their relationship.
5. They treat their subs kindly, even while being cruel.
6. They dominate only those who consent to submission.
7. They respect other Doms’ property (human or otherwise).
8. They recognize their social, mental and physical limitations.
9. They are flawed but seek to improve themselves.
10. They seek help when they need it.
11. They understand that vulnerability isn’t weakness.
12. They understand that dominance is more than being selfish and always getting what you want.
13. They can lead without being in the driver seat.
14. Even if they’re unaware of their dominant personality, they often take the lead and are regarded by others as wise, comforting, protective, demanding and/or orderly, among other things.
Notice how all the criteria I included revolve around honesty, authenticity, kindness and a dynamic understanding of what it means to be human. That’s because, to me, a true Dom/me is simply a dominant person who’s true to him or herself.
My dominance is gentle but forceful — rarely aggressive. I favor bright, happy colors and comfortable fabrics over dreary, uncomfortable leather. I don’t mind hugging, kissing and cuddling but also enjoy sadism. My dominance is a reflection of the person I am, not an attempt to make other people happy or live up to their expectations.
I don’t have or want to be anything other than the weird, silly, serious, sensual, caring, sadistic, flawed, dominant person I am. If living life in the way I see fit makes me a false Dom in some people’s eyes, so be it. So, as long as I’m happy with that, I truly and utterly couldn’t give a miniscule fraction of a single fuck that I’m repellant to the types of people who’d seek to make me something else. Now that’s some truth.